whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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