Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
