Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
