im drinking this country out of the recession.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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