So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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