you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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