planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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