Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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