I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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