I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
