she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Boobs speak an international language.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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