Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I am available for nakedness
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
