So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
