If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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