New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
