By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
