I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
