No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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