I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize