Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
