On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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