the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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