Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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