Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
