No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
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My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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