As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
