I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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