I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
