the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
