How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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