i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
