I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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