I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize