I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just blew my weed a kiss
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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