me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
