I could make wine with my vomit
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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