I wanna passion pit in your ass
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
