Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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