Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
