guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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