I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
