i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize