I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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