You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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