I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
