Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
