i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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