if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
