Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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