there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
