my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
