so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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