good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
