Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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