my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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