Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
