I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
