saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
