Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
