Only a mothe r could love this liver
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
